One hand dryer, instant death
Temperatures at AHS have reached a level so cold that students report that their fingers have been frozen solid. Their new and only safety bunker is now in use 24/7. Students have now turned to standing around the bathroom hand dryers like they are life-saving fireplaces.
The hand dryers, which are only supposed to dry hands, are now the primary heat source of the campus. Students huddle around them, extending their frozen fingers into the hot breeze from the dryer. But what should have just been an innocent hand-drying session turned into a school disaster when Face-Blast McGee (9) got blasted into next week trying to warm up his face. Recalling his experience, a witness named Witty described, “It was like combining a hurricane with the disappointment of an Asian parent.”
The Janitor who’s name was Janny said, “I had a feeling this was going to happen eventually. I realized students were huddling in the bathroom, using that half-malfunctioning hand dryer as a source of heat. I walked in and saw them forming a circle around it and shivering until they thawed from their icicle form back into human form. I think one kid brought in marshmallows to see if it would work, and it just disintegrated the marshmallow in seconds.” He also said that the dryers “scream like dying cats” if they run longer than 14 seconds.
McGee, after his month in the hospital, said, “I felt like I was being hit with the weight of a thousand shining suns. I just wanted to un-numb my face. How was I supposed to know I was going to get third-degree burns from it?” McGee said, “It took several minutes for my face muscles to stop vibrating.” On the plus side, he will now have a newfound respect and fear for the nuclear dryer.
The District Climate Control Spokesperson tried to downplay the whole incident. He said, “We are aware that temperatures are low and that the bathrooms can be warmer than classrooms sometimes, but that is no reason to congregate there.” When asked if next year’s budget would include safer heating methods, he said, “We are in the process of considering various options along with even more powerful hand dryers, which might make them even safer.” This statement raised many more eyebrows than encouragement, but the public let it slide.
Despite this entire incident, students continue to use these dryers as their
McGee has now recovered, but he is still wary of using the school bathrooms to this day. His final words were, “I forgive the dryer. But it shall never touch my face ever again.”
Eagle Era 
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