Eagle Era

The universal tragedy of student procrastination

By Anthony Liu

The weekend. Two days of mindless bliss. A necessary break for some, while for others, an opportunity to metamorphosize into a couch potato. However, the latter is becoming increasingly rare. Students everywhere are attending a 48-hour productivity funeral, typically opening doors as early as Saturday morning.

“This one time, I closed my eyes for a ten-minute power nap on Saturday evening,” said Deil deGrasse Nyson (17). “Next thing I know, it’s 7 a.m. Monday. I’ve officially found a shortcut through the fabric of time.”

Nyson’s experience is not isolated. Bob Sponge (16), another self-proclaimed weekend procrastinator, recounted, “I sat down to watch a single episode of my favorite show, and somehow, it was midnight Sunday. I don’t know where the hours went.” Across the student population, reports suggest a strikingly uniform occurrence of this temporal anomaly, often culminating in feelings of intense paranoia as Monday morning approaches and the realization that absolutely nothing of substance was accomplished.

Parents and guardians, perplexed by the phenomenon, have been known to interrogate their offspring. “I’ll do it later,” students frequently respond. Historically, these promises have rarely been kept.

Concerned parents have turned to medical professionals for answers. Dr. Garage, adolescent psychologist, assures that such a “phenomenon” is common, albeit troubling. He conducted a survey with 25 high school students to explore the mechanics of weekend procrastination.          Questions ranged from “Why do naps feel more essential than assignments?” to “Are students subconsciously using sleep to time-travel past responsibility?”

A rare image of a student afflicted by senioritis. Anthony Liu (12), 5 minutes into his “lock in session,” after scrolling through reels for the past four hours. Photo Credit: Anthony Liu (12).

“The responses were… enlightening,” Dr. Garage said. “Out of 25 students, 23 wrote ‘I don’t know.’ The remaining two asked if they could submit their answers later—ironically, on Monday morning.”

After careful study, Dr. Garage reached a shocking, yet scientifically valid conclusion: “These children seem to be experiencing a common phenomenon, but one that continues to mystify scientists and students alike: procrastination.”

Students’ belief that they can catch up later is partially rooted in cognitive optimism. “It’s this subconscious idea that if I just nap, scroll through my feed, or play one more round of Fortnite, I’ll somehow be more productive later,” explained a self-proclaimed master procrastinator. “Later always comes—too fast, actually. It’s the productivity that never shows up.”

Nyson offered his own insight: “Friday 3:00 p.m. feels like freedom. Saturday 3:00 p.m. feels like still freedom. By Sunday night, I have no idea where the weekend went.” Experts speculate that this is a combination of circadian rhythm disruption, digital distractions, and a chronic overestimation of one’s own motivation.

Currently, incidents like these have sprung up among many high school students and appear to be consistently increasing, with the frequency of cases rising over time. Despite the overwhelming number of cases, scientists remain baffled, unable to determine the exact cause of this seemingly supernatural instance of time travel and temporal manipulation.