5Star is watching you: An AHS wake-up call

2–4 minutes

A satire diary entry from a AHS student in the far future

Staff Writer

April 4th, 2084.

Today, I was called into the office of student compliance for questioning. Again. The digital hall pass system flagged me for heading to the bathroom during class for the fourth time this week, which, according to Big Five-Star, is one bathroom break too many. The problem is there’s not much I can do in 7 minutes when half the time I use is spent walking around trying to find a bathroom that isn’t closed. As punishment for consuming all of my bathroom minutes for the month, I have now been classified as a Level P water consumption threat. My privileges have been adjusted to meet this title. My hydration rations have been reduced by forty percent along with my bathroom pass privileges being cut down by half next week, and now I have to attend a mandatory reeducation class on “Efficient Bladder Management.” If I fail the class, I am required to write a four-page argumentative essay on why I should just “ hold it” when I have to use the bathroom.

Digital hall passes were initially introduced as a means of ensuring student accountability, but it feels like an invasion of privacy. This morning, I saw a fellow student attempt an unauthorized bathroom break during first period. He didn’t even take one step outside the 500 wing before he was caught and escorted away. I still remember him yelling that he didn’t own a phone. What if I forget my phone at home? Rumor says that student wasn’t seen again for the rest of the day. My friend swears he saw his locker cleaned out by brunch.

I also saw something most peculiar while using the bathroom today—a group of students meeting in one of the stalls. Apparently, they were exchanging ways to bypass the system. When I interrupted their conversation, they added me to a shared Google Document named “Physics Notes.” The document contained a list of each way to bypass the system. I can only assume the document’s misleading name is to slide under the radar of Big Five-Star. You can never know in what ways they’re monitoring your internet activity, seeing as how they’re already on our phones. A student at the meeting told me that it’s getting harder and harder for them to assemble together, as certain students are being restricted from leaving at the same time, allegedly to prevent them from “conspiring.”

We’re told that stricter monitoring keeps students accountable and enhances their learning opportunities by removing unnecessary distractions. What I think that means is that they don’t trust us and that we have to justify the most basic needs. It’s just the bathrooms for now, but for all we know, tomorrow we’re going to have to submit progress reports to prove we’re not a risk to campus order. The less trust the school puts in me, the less I feel I can trust the school.

As I sit here, dehydrated and defeated, sipping down my last few drops of approved hydration for the day, I wonder whether I’ll ever experience being able to take my time during a bathroom break again. Until then, I’ll just have to pray that my bladder remains loyal to the cause.