Student takes out second mortgage on house to pay for senior portraits

Why the heck do portraits cost so darn much?

Multimedia Editor

“I never expected pictures of my face to be this expensive,” said Paige Turner (12), who thought senior year would turn the page on her family’s financial struggles. “Like, I’m not even that good looking.”

Turner, like many other AHS students, fell prey to an institution that funnels money from the pockets of unknowing seniors every year. No, it’s not college applications, and no, it’s not the College Board’s ridiculously-priced testing. Rather, this monetary scheme stems from a seemingly unlikely, and school-sponsored, source: senior portraits.

“My family didn’t have much money left after paying for my AP tests, and senior portraits ruined us,” said victim Sal Monella (12) with a sickly, nauseous look on his face. “We recently took out two mortgages on our house to purchase the ‘Value’ pack—their cheapest option. It was $149.” Monella paused, shedding a tear, then quickly wiped it away from embarrassment.

Monella’s family used to live in a mansion in Mission Hills, but after paying for senior portraits, they now reside in a Motel 6.

“At least the pictures look—okay,” he added with a deflated chuckle.

Turner’s family also felt the massive weight of senior portrait pricing, and will now be unable to send her to college.

“Paige’s pursuit of higher education ends here,” her father announced in a Facebook post, captioning an image of Harvard University with a big red “X” spread across it. Seated on the couch for the interview, Turner’s mother patted her on the back as she buried her face in her father’s fleece Elvis Presley sweater.

Not all students share Monella and Turner’s glum outlooks on the situation, however. John Ston (12) commended the generous discounts provided to students, saying that they make portrait purchases much more financially feasible.

“Bro, have you seen the incredible New Year’s savings they’re giving away? For a limited time only, free shipping on orders upwards of $99? Wow! I mean, it’s practically charity!” Ston animatedly exclaimed.

(Irrelevant side note: when asked to blink twice if he was safe, Ston’s eyes dried out entirely.)

Unfortunately, most fail to share Ston’s enthusiasm, and many have taken to the streets to protest. On Thursday, the United States military attempted to curb waves of students demanding access to un-watermarked digital copies of the photos they already paid $20 to take.

Photography company senior representative Dwayne Pipe desperately tried to clear the air Friday night in front of the scores of angry protesters who stormed the company’s studio.

“Guys, we’re on your side! We’re outflowing incredible Inauguration Day/Martin Luther King Jr. Day discounts right now! Offers start at 50% off of any purchase over $399!” Pipe announced. The building was burnt down shortly after, and Pipe was executed via guillotine.

Monella was sharing plans of becoming an indentured servant for eight to ten years to pay back his portrait debt before the Eagle Era informed him that there is no conceivable way he’d be able to do that given the illegality of indentured servitude, causing him to break down in tears again.

Permanently indebted to Big Photo, Monella’s last words were sound advice for not just the thousands of students in Fremont, but the millions of students across the United States.

“I knew I should have dropped out in seventh grade.”