Eagle Era

I honestly can’t tell why any real person wouldn’t vote in this election. That’s why this is a humor article

Aruna Harpalani

Staff Writer

     71.02% of eligible voters in Alameda County voted in the 2024 election at the time of publication, per the county election website. These responsible citizens and the natural high they get from making the most baffling decisions known to man every two years are covered enough in the news as is. 28.98% of the Alameda County electorate kept their butts in their couches and ballots in their recycling bins, which is arguably the strangest choice to make in any election.

     These are often people like non-voter Doo Mer, who was found weeping at the electoral college map. “Voting will not fix the corrupt nature of government or the self-sabotaging, cruel state of humanity,” he said between sobs. “We have to choose between two flawed, corrupt candidates in a broken two-party system. Despair is the only appropriate response.” Upon being told that the ballot is not just one question—which Mer should have inferred since there are multiple pages enclosed in that vote-by-mail envelope—Mer responded, “Wait, that’s fascinating. I didn’t hear about this stuff on Twitter.” Mer will soon realize that the names printed on yard signs littered across cities in the most random places and the omnipresent YouTube ads pleading voters to “Vote Yes on Proposition Thirty-Whatever!” are actually relevant to his life.

      College student Professional Procrastinator, found at a coffee shop, had to be gently woken up from her pillow made of stacks of lecture notes. “Didn’t do my research in time,” she said. “I realized that I should probably look into voting at 7:59 P.M., but apparently the polls close at 8:00, so that ship sailed. I really do work best under pressure, as you can tell by how diligently I’m studying for the final exam I have in half an hour. Don’t judge me. I know you’ll turn in this article minutes before the 10:00 P.M. deadline on your high school journalism course’s Google Classroom.” For the record, California sends mail-in ballots to every registered voter about a month before the election, according to Vote411. (I also had a month to get this article done.)

     At the local community hub known as the American High School Pickup Loop, Unna Ware was found in their Toyota trying and failing to cut in the line of cars on the edges of the parking lot. “There…was an election? I’m too busy partaking in classic Fremont pastimes like constantly refreshing my kid’s Aeries portal. That ballot went straight into the recycling, along with my daughter’s math test which she got an 89% on.” 

     Local old person Elle Derly isn’t having any of it. “Back when I was eighteen years old, I had to walk uphill BOTH WAYS to the polls. I endured deadly snow storms. I braved hail and annoying political conversations in those hundred-mile long lines just to perform my patriotic duty. The youngins have no idea how easy they get it. They can get their ‘I Voted’ stickers mailed to them, no physical labor involved. Can you imagine that?”

     The car was invented over a century ago, it doesn’t snow in Alameda County, and Derly is a very questionable source; however, her point stands. Universal mail-in voting, online resources, and that having to walk uphill both ways is physically impossible—which, according to Derly, is a newer development—should enable even the laziest populations to vote. Maybe some people need to be more engaged citizens, or maybe the government should make it downhill both ways next time. Who knows?

“Now that anyone can do their research and take their time to vote from the comfort of their own home or nursing home,” said local old person Elle Derly, “there’s really no excuse” (Art Credit: Kingston Lo (12)).

Aruna Harpalani – Staff Writer